


roaring is for lions

by killerkittens22



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:21:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerkittens22/pseuds/killerkittens22
Summary: It's teenage angst I had to write down, ignore it, or not. I'm having a bad day
Kudos: 1





	roaring is for lions

When she is young (who knows how young, years blend together) she is told not to be angry or something like that. It is not a defining moment, a lesson she strives to learn, she is still angry cries and screams like any kid. All the same, she never forgets. It's inscribed in her bones, like every other lesson in that great big book the adults around her believe in. (She feels sometimes like every lesson she learned comes from this book, it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but no book contains all knowledge. She wishes her parents hadn't thought it was everything she needed to navigate the world.)

When she is young, her mother looks at her, face scrunched up and crying, and tells her not to whine. It isn't _wrong_ but she doesn't know how to stop. Don't whine is just frustration that adds to the fire and makes her cry more. Don't cry, don't let your voice go squeaky and high, don't get frustrated or people don't listen they just say don't whine and send you on your way.

Another lesson from that great big book, a soft answer turneth away wrath. Sometimes you shouldn't turn away wrath, but no one says _that._

"Obey your parents." "Don't talk back to me." "Because I said so." Which isn't _wrong_ , children who scream to get their own way just turn out spoiled. Being snarky and loud is no way to plead your case. It doesn't teach _anyone_. No one told her how _not_ to talk back, just that she shouldn't. "Because I said so." is just another frustration, grit your teeth and accept it. Don't cry about how it feels unfair, crying means nobody listens.

Kids get emotional, it doesn't mean they're wrong. Still, nobody listens.

When she is young, she is told to ask other people the first thing they think of when they think of her. They say happy. It isn't a label she tries to live up to (Not like, tomboy, christian, and straight, she will pretend those even when she has long left them behind.) but she doesn't forget it, she is happy. She has to be.

She's the good one. Not like her brother, who reads in bed when he should sleep. And later, when she stays up late too, who talks back to her mother. She's the _good one_. It's something she forces herself to live up to, an expectation she has placed on herself. The _good one_ , what does that even mean? can she be the good one, when she spends half her life ignoring her parents rules, just because she doesn't get caught?

When she is old (Not very old. but older than before) she tries to lead games in a club. No one listens, it's her fault, she isn't very commanding. She lets her friend shout and take charge instead.

When she is young she stomps down the stairs when she is angry. No one notices, so she stops stomping. Instead she bites a pillow, and comes back like she was never angry at all.

When she is young (And old, some things never change) her brother kicks her off game systems and ignores her anger. he is a bully, and even when he grows up and isn't, he hasn't learned to listen to his sister's anger. Everything's a prank, she doesn't stay mad long, there's no bark to her bite. Anger gets her no where, he doesn't listen to what she wants. (She stops saying what she wants, why bother when he doesn't listen?)

When she is young, she learns how to lie, and how to hold back a laugh. And when she is old, she learns how not to scream when she is angry.

When she is young she is scared of the dark, and no one notices. It's not their fault they don't see shaking knees, but it feels like no one cares. Like no one notices what you don't say. It's irrational, but it feels like no one cares to look past a mask.

She isn't brave. She isn't brave enough to say what she feels. (old labels to live up to, Christian, straight, don't say what you think or you'll be left _alone)_

She is old and she wants to scream. (Don't scream, no one pays attention when you scream) And she says nothing.

She wants to stand up for what she believes in. There are people dying in the world and she wants to scream and say its wrong. But she isn't brave and she can't scream. (Don't whine, don't get angry, when has anyone paid attention to what you _think?_ )

There are converstaions around a table and she thinks maybe her mother is _wrong_ (Grit your teeth, don't talk back, you're the _good one_ )

She is quiet, and not angry, never angry. And it is _her fault._ (God why can't she just tell her brother he can be a bully, tell her mother she is wrong, show the world she is angry?)

One day maybe, she will scream. And people will know she is not all she seems.

But she isn't brave.

And roaring is for lions.


End file.
